I'm fat!

I’m fat!

Now, don’t be offended by my word choice. It’s intentional. I hate all the euphemisms, including but not limited to: heavy, chubby, plump or big-boned. I prefer to tell it like it is. I’m fat and I’ve been fat since the day I was born.

I weighed over 8 pounds at birth, which was a good sized baby in the 1960’s. According to my parents, the pediatrician advised them to switch me from whole to skim milk as a baby because I was gaining weight too quickly. At only a few months old, my struggles with weight had officially begun.

They’ve taken many twists and turns over the years. Countless diets, too many to list. Losing and then gaining. Gaining more than I had lost in the first place.  I’ve had to lose as much as 130 pounds or as little as 15 pounds. However, I’ve never hit the coveted ideal weight.

This has been the story of my life.

I now find myself at 59 years old still bordering on obese, depending on which weight chart pops up when asking Google. I no longer see myself as obese, but I’m still a fat girl and always will be regardless of the number on the scale.

Every facet of my life has been affected by my weight. I lived most of my life just trying not to be seen.

Drawing attention to myself was something I’ve avoided at all costs. I’ve been judged by others based on my appearance my entire life and it hurts like hell. Why would I want to subject myself to further judgment?

As I write my memoir, I’m reliving many painful memories once again and it’s turned out to be much harder than I ever would have imagined. I want to somehow help my younger self. I want to tell her so many different things that I’ve discovered on my life's journey. I wish I could take away all her pain as well as the pain of all others who share my struggles.

But, how do I do that? Society has begun to change over the last several years, but being fat is still frowned upon. Us fatties are thought of as sloppy or lazy among other things. People form opinions about us based on what their eyes see instead of taking the time to get to know what lies beneath our generous exterior.

When I was a kid, I thought once I grew up my weight would no longer be an issue. I thought it was only kids who did the judging, not adults. WRONG!

The pain and humiliation of not being good enough is still there inside me. It has not yet healed. I realized that the other day as I was getting a much needed massage.  The same wonderful woman has been giving me massages for over 10 years. She’s older than I and has also struggled with weight in the past. She is certainly not the type of person who would ever be judgemental. In fact, she’s just the opposite.

However, when she moved down to massage my leg, my entire body immediately stiffened.. 

Why? Because I was exposed. I carry much of my weight below the waist and avoid revealing my legs to anyone at all costs. How could I be embarrassed in front of this woman who I know is not judging me? Not to mention, she has seen my “thunder thighs” (lovely 5th grade nickname), hundreds of times before.

It seems I can run but I can’t hide. I used to be jealous of those who have never experienced weight issues. With age, I’ve come to realize that everyone struggles, but with their own individual insecurities.

There isn’t anyone in life who escapes. They might be good at hiding it, which fat people can’t do, but it’s there lurking beneath the surface..

Even when you’ve done the work to get past them, those insecure feelings rear their ugly head. It seems to be a never ending journey. 

We all have hang-ups we need to let go of in order to find inner peace.  It's just easier said than done. I'm still working on it each and every day.

Have you made peace with yours?

Until next time,
Debbie